I Take it Back

Has anyone ever regretted something that they said the second after they said it? I mean, thats kind of a stupid question. Obviously, everyone has felt that way. Today, my friends and I took an AP World test that was actually pretty hard. So of course, everyone was anxiously awaiting their grades after school. I texted one of my best friends to say that the grades came out and that I was nervous and blah blah blah. I looked at my grade (which was curved very generously) and I was honestly disappointed. All of my school group chats were blowing up with everyone sharing their grades, so I compared my score with my peers’ (mistake #1). 

When the groupchat with my four other friends started pinging, I got pretty excited. Last year, I was in a regular Social Studies class, while the rest of them were in the AP class. I always felt left out when they talked about how hard the tests were or about the material for the course. I’m sure this was just in my head, but I always felt like they talked down to me because I wasn’t in the advanced class with them. This year, I wanted to prove to not only myself, but to everyone that I was capable of being in all of the advanced classes. So, when my friend asked how everyone did today, I jumped on the opportunity. I said that “it wasn’t my finest hour” and “I got around the same score as you” (mistake #2). And then I said that I got in the B range, and I wanted to do better because I like competing with myself (mistake #3). 

I instantly regretted sending that text message. How could I be so inconsiderate? That was a difficult test, and I made it sound like a B range grade was a bad thing. (Disclaimer: I’m writing this a couple of minutes after I sent this so I’m still pretty mad at myself). I feel so awful for sharing that information and making it seem like a B or lower is not good. Everyone is allowed to have personal goals, and actually, they’re a good thing to strive for. But in the process of making myself feel good, I might have unintentionally hurt one of my best friends. At that moment, the most important thing was that I proved myself worthy and smart enough. I should have thought twice about pressing the send button. Looking back at the texts that I just sent, I’m thinking to myself that I sounded like the very person that I don’t want to be. I hate that I feel like I have to prove myself to my friends, because my self-validation should be enough.

I talked to my mom about it just now, and she told me to sit on my texts for a minute next time before sending them. She said I’m overthinking it though, and that my friends probably didn’t even think twice about it. She may be right. I do tend to overthink EVERYTHING. But, I hate that I could have possibly hurt one of my best friends. It wasn’t cool of me, and if she ever finds this page and figures out that it’s me, I’m so sorry.

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