I Take it Back

Has anyone ever regretted something that they said the second after they said it? I mean, thats kind of a stupid question. Obviously, everyone has felt that way. Today, my friends and I took an AP World test that was actually pretty hard. So of course, everyone was anxiously awaiting their grades after school. I texted one of my best friends to say that the grades came out and that I was nervous and blah blah blah. I looked at my grade (which was curved very generously) and I was honestly disappointed. All of my school group chats were blowing up with everyone sharing their grades, so I compared my score with my peers’ (mistake #1). 

When the groupchat with my four other friends started pinging, I got pretty excited. Last year, I was in a regular Social Studies class, while the rest of them were in the AP class. I always felt left out when they talked about how hard the tests were or about the material for the course. I’m sure this was just in my head, but I always felt like they talked down to me because I wasn’t in the advanced class with them. This year, I wanted to prove to not only myself, but to everyone that I was capable of being in all of the advanced classes. So, when my friend asked how everyone did today, I jumped on the opportunity. I said that “it wasn’t my finest hour” and “I got around the same score as you” (mistake #2). And then I said that I got in the B range, and I wanted to do better because I like competing with myself (mistake #3). 

I instantly regretted sending that text message. How could I be so inconsiderate? That was a difficult test, and I made it sound like a B range grade was a bad thing. (Disclaimer: I’m writing this a couple of minutes after I sent this so I’m still pretty mad at myself). I feel so awful for sharing that information and making it seem like a B or lower is not good. Everyone is allowed to have personal goals, and actually, they’re a good thing to strive for. But in the process of making myself feel good, I might have unintentionally hurt one of my best friends. At that moment, the most important thing was that I proved myself worthy and smart enough. I should have thought twice about pressing the send button. Looking back at the texts that I just sent, I’m thinking to myself that I sounded like the very person that I don’t want to be. I hate that I feel like I have to prove myself to my friends, because my self-validation should be enough.

I talked to my mom about it just now, and she told me to sit on my texts for a minute next time before sending them. She said I’m overthinking it though, and that my friends probably didn’t even think twice about it. She may be right. I do tend to overthink EVERYTHING. But, I hate that I could have possibly hurt one of my best friends. It wasn’t cool of me, and if she ever finds this page and figures out that it’s me, I’m so sorry.

College Stress

Hi! I hope everyone is having a great day/week. I want to talk about a topic today that has been giving me a load of stress recently. This ball of scariness and uncertainty is called COLLEGE ADMISSIONS. Yes, I am only a sophomore in high school, but you’d be surprised how often college comes up in my day to day conversations. The reason I’m so scared of college admissions is because I see myself as the most average student on the planet. I get good grades and I’m a part of the Theater Club at school, but nowadays that is just not enough. The two things I just said applies to most students at my school. My school is extremely competitive, so I just look like an underachiever compared to all of my classmates. I swear, my peers have literally been on television shows and have won national scholarships for being super smart. Not kidding. I just feel so lost. This year, I’m going to try to be a part of more clubs, but even then, nothing sticks out about me.

I’m sure a lot of you know the pressure of getting into a “good college” or your “dream school.” This is another reason why I’m so nervous about this whole college process. My dad went to a couple of great schools, most notably NYU, where he got his J.D. degree. My cousins attend Harvard, NYU Law, and the University of Michigan. As you are probably aware of, those are three incredible schools. Those three cousins are from my dad’s side of the family. My parents are divorced, so I’ve always felt like an outsider when at family events. For example, one year, Hanukkah fell on the same dates as Thanksgiving, so that evening at my cousin’s Thanksgiving celebration, my grandparents decided to give all of the kids their Hanukkah gifts. As I watched all of my cousins open their gifts, I saw their faces light up. I saw the hundred dollar bills in their hands. As I open my gift, I see the fabric of the gloves in the wrapping peek through. Of course, I was disappointed, but remember how I said I’m in the Theater Club? Yeah, I’m a pretty good actress if I do say so myself.

Anyway, the point of that story was not to say that my grandparents are horrible people, because they’re not. It’s to say that I never really understood my place in my dad’s family. I guess that’s why I want to get into a good college. To impress them and make them proud. I grew up with it always being just me and my mom. I’m lucky that she never pressured me into having a crazy amount of extracurriculars or playing every sport there is. She always wanted me to work hard and do the best I can, and she never forced me to pursue an activity that I didn’t like. My mom is super supportive, and I love her so much. But sometimes I wonder, do the kids who were always forced to do everything and be “perfect” have an advantage when applying to colleges? Yeah, you might resent your parents for the rest of your life, but at least you got into Harvard, right?

TIK TOK… BOOM

The first ever topic on this blog is one that is the center of lots of conversations nowadays. It’s highly debated, usually between teens and parents. I’ve spent hours upon hours mesmerized by the content and creativity on this app. Okay, I’m done with the guessing game. Two syllables, TikTok. First of all, I want to say that TikTok is my best friend, but at the exact same time my worst enemy. If you want to laugh, go on TikTok. If you want to cry, go on TikTok. If you want to feel insecure, definitely hit up TikTok. Do people say that? “Hit up?” Anyway, TikTok can trigger some really intense emotions, but all of that said, I love it. This app screams creativity and expression. For example, some of the POVs are so original, and the actors and actresses really get into their part. A lot of the time, you’ll find me liking other people’s comments about when the creator is posting a part two. It’s really amazing that a one minute long video can touch so many people.

What I don’t understand is how people willingly put content up that emotionally exposes themselves. How are people so brave? I mean, I do appreciate a good, juicy story time with a dramatic twist, but I would be so embarrassed to be so vulnerable where there is a chance that millions of people are going to see that video. Especially when the video is about the popular girl who screwed you over last month. I would be absolutely terrified for that mean girl to see it. I admire people who have the courage to tell their embarrassing stories. On behalf of myself (and I’m assuming a lot of other people), I thank you all.

I have many things to say about TikTok, but no one wants to sit here and listen to all of them. So I’ll share one last subject I want to touch upon before we go. In my opinion, it’s pretty amazing that Gen Z TikTokers were able to create such an impact in today’s world and society to an extent where not only teenagers, but adults are talking about it. The WHITE HOUSE is talking about it. Whether you support what Tik Tok has been influencing or not is not the point I’m trying to make. I won’t really talk politics on this page because that is not what this blog is about. The point is, TikTok holds a certain power over the world now. The fact that TEENAGERS had such drive and motivation to be the change they want to see in the world is so eye opening. Gen Z came together on a social media platform and made an impact in the U.S., and I was really impressed. TikTok is just a taste of what the future holds in the hands of younger generations.